I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You have to summon your inner elephant
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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