I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
