My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
