FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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