dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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