dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
