i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
