you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize