I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
