WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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