Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
