You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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