Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize