He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize