Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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