I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
