Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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