My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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