I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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