I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize