i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
