i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently you make a good broom.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
