it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
