He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
