i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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