do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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