I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
