maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
