when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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