The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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