Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want a musical about memes.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
