Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
