Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
