and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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