I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
