Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
