my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
did i just pee glitter
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
