Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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