Heybabeimwearingurpanties
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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