fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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