She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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