Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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