Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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