this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
