we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
