I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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