I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
