I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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