Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
