I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Pants are for mortals
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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