I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
