I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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