when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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