dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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