I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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