Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
