i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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